Waiting for Costa Mesa Dodgeball to start back up again has been like waiting for each episode of Game of Thrones – filled with anticipation,
sexual anxiety, nervousness, impatience, frustration, and then climaxing joy. And while it’ll be another year before GoT is back, CM Dodgeball finally starts back up tonight. And it’s going to be BETTER THAN EVER. Fun veteran teams, fresh new faces, new balls, a golden ball, and a badass new sponsor bar. It’s the kind of awesomeness you would get if you mashed up Game of Thrones with Star Wars. Oh wait, I’ll make that happen right here:
As a tribute to my nerd-like obsession to the show, we’re going to kick off the season with a team by team preview and the GoT character or characters they most resemble. And remember, if you take any of this way too seriously, do everyone a favor and go to the bathroom and pull out whatever it is that is shoved up your ass.
1. We Don’t Get Drunk – We Get Awesome (Jaime & Cersei Lannister)
The current league champions, they are the rulers of Westeros and sit on the Iron Throne. Attractive and athletic, the team is stocked in riches of veteran dodgeballers. Heck, even Jason Badgley and Clorie Kraner resemble Jaime and Cersei Lannister. Both are attractive adults, think of themselves as dodgeball elitists, justifiably very good in their game, act like brother and sister, and have a dirty/digusting secret who think no one knows but everyone in the
7 Kingdoms 7 other teams do (well, at least everyone knows now). So can these Lannisters hang on to the dodgeball crown? I don’t know, but I just remembered that a Lannister always pay their debts, and now they owe me an ass kicking.
2. Suicidal Angry Ninja Turtles (Ned Stark)
How fitting it is that the word “suicidal” is a part of this team’s name, as it was Ned Stark’s own foolish commitment to doing the right thing that led to his own death. But while killing yourself may seem trendy on this squad, there are plenty of other Stark members to carry the sword…er, ball and continue the fight. (We’re not kidding, there’s like 20 people on this team). Despite the fact that most other folks may think it honorable to kill oneself to save a life, the Starks believe that the best way to get a kill (shot) is to kill yourself in the process. Might explain why that by the end of the playoffs each season – they run out of steam…and players.
3. Delta Bravo (Daeneryes Targaryen)
Beautiful, strong willed, stubborn, aggressive, and a leader searching for her rightful place to rule. Such words can be used to describe both Daeneryes and Amanda Fenner. Oh, and the fact they seem to run around the house naked all the damn time and love animal sex. Anyway….the Delta Bravo for some time now have been struggling to find their identity among the elite players. This season they’ve added some new weapons to the squad, so it’s only a matter of time before we see the team finally sail across the narrow sea and challenge for the dodgeball crown. And if Amanda gets upset enough, she’ll unleash her dragons.
4. Drunken Hyenas (Joffrey Baratheon)
The character that every fan despises, the team everyone hates. Heck, even co-captain Chris Johnson looks a little bit like the prickly prince. Whether you think so or not, one thing we can all agree – everyone else would love to do this to this team:
5. Rolling In the Balls Deep (Jon Snow)
A team full of veteran players who were once part of another team a time long ago. But for some reason or another, they no longer go to war with their original brothers and sisters. In fact, you can even consider this team a collection of “bastard” dodgeballers, a fellowship similar to that of the Night’s Watch. No one else wanted them, but judging from the talent on this roster, you wouldn’t want to face off with them as well. Unlike the real Jon Snow (haha, I just called a fictional character real), let’s hope someone on this team gets laid this season.
6. Los Doyers (Khal Drogo)
Remember the first time you saw Khal and his Dothraki horde? Yep, scared the shit out of you. They looked big, strong, and ready to eat you up. But after a few episodes, you realized that all they really were – were just a bunch of mediocre meat heads running around the desert and being told what to do by a woman. Welcome to Los Doyers, where the men can lift 250lbs on the bench press, but can’t lift the team to a .500 record. So while they may be the sexiest looking team in the league, sex doesn’t win championships. But if you’re able to have sex with any of these players, I’d call that WINNING!
7. Special Ballympians (Petyr Baelish)
What does Captain Amanda Weigref and Petyr Baelish have in common? The both run and operate a whorehouse (Petyr with an actual one, and Amanda runs the Irvine Kickball League). Yes, we all know that kickballers are just a bunch of sluts, and this season Amanda has a full team of them. So while they may lack talent and skill on the dodgeball court, they more than make up for it under the sheets. Who am I kidding? Kickballers don’t even have the decency to wait to get under the sheets before they get started.
8. Beach City Sports (The Wildlings) -
You may have heard about them before. You may have seen glimpses of a beach football league. There are rumors of a summer beach bus tour. And while we don’t know much, all we do know is that they come from the other side of the wall – the wall known as Pacific Coast Highway. Scouts tell me that their numbers continue to grow each day and that it won’t be long before they invade our lands. What can we do to stop them? Can we keep them from moving into our territory? And while George R. R. Martin still has years before he completes his narrative – we could, perhaps, write a different ending to the Wildlings this season. Be sure to keep an eye on this brand new team, as it’s anyone’s guess as to what’s going to happen.