In breaking news, team captain Chris Shiota of the Gun Show dodgeball team has been suspended from NLA Dodgeball for his part in a pay-for-peg bounty program, whose roots extend back to 2009 when he seriously used to suck on team Perkis Power. Mr. Shiota will miss the rest of the dodgeball season while the rest of his team will be punished by being forced to play in the Wednesday night Coed League with their left hand only.
“The commissioner’s office of NLA Dodgeball takes matters of bounties and unnecessary pegging very seriously – especially hilarious but yet still dangerous head shots,” says league co-founder Sa Dizzle. “We have many years of evidence of a reward system put in place by Mr. Shiota to target specific dodgeballers on opposing teams who have gained his ire. This payment has mostly taken the form of beer, shots, and other alcoholic deductibles.”
The report’s findings show that players were rewarded a pint of domestic beer for a head shot, a pitcher for a nutt shot, and an open tab for a combo nut and head shot.
The commissioner’s office has identified a number of bounties of the last 3 seasons that casts a black cloud over the Gun Show franchise, whose peak featured a Championship the Fall of 2011. Because of the allegations, the team’s championship plaque is still being withheld.
“This is complete BS,” complained co-captain Brian Weingart. “It’s no secret that every other team has some kind of head shot bounty program as well and that everyone’s involved.”
Stated Mr. Dizzle, “We understand that there are concerns over other teams/players possibly being involved, but that’s not true because players like dodgeball ninja Glenn Tibay has yet to, you know, actually peg anyone in dodgeball. A bounty program would prove useless to him.”
When reached for comment, Mr. Shiota issued the following statement: “What do I think of the penalty? F-You is what I think of the penalty, Sa. Guess who just made the new bounty list? That’s right, anyone that pegs Sa Dizzle will get a beer at Tiki Bar from me. Light beer. The cheap stuff, not that high-flautin Newcastle stuff.”
To learn more about the dodgeball bounty scandal, or to see if players are actually involved in such a heinous conspiracy, CHECK OUT THE COSTA MESA DODGEBALL LEAGUE ON WEDNESDAY NIGHTS.