Hmmm, does that joke even work anymore? Sure the new Batman movie is coming out tomorrow, but until I see it, I’ll keep my in movie references to the first two films – or we can talk about Anne Hathaway’s fine Catwoman ass in this third film. In fact, this is the FIRST NOLAN BATMAN FILM THAT HAS DONE THIS RIGHT – cast a hot girl. Seriously, who did we have for the first two? Dumb and lazy Katie Holmes who only recently came to her senses and divorced Tom Cruise. And then we had Maggie Gyllenhaal, who has a brother (Jake) who looked more attractive naked in Brokeback Mountain (which by the way starred Heath Ledger, who
killed himself going crazy working starred in the Dark Knight film – wow, weird connection huh?). But in this final film, they finally got it right and chose a hot, smart, hot, articulate, hot, and talented actress to play a leading lady. The Dark Knight Rises? HA! I can guarantee “other things” will be “rising” when the Catwoman gets on screen. Now that’s the kind of pussy I like (notice my brilliance on how that works figuratively and literally).
Now to continue on last week’s theme of comparing dodgeball teams to make believe characters that have nothing to do with dodgeball, we will further satiate my pop culture nerdiness/fandom will a team by team ranking and the character they most resemble in the Batman universe.
1. We Don’t Get Drunk – We Get Awesome: (Batman)
Like the Dark Knight himself, this team is a Gemini of sorts. Mild mannered and charming when sober, a lunatic when drunk. Truth be told, the team is extremely fun to be around. The problem starts when the team decides to pre-party at Clorie’s Bat Cave. Things get out of control and they show up to dodgeball like a bunch of hooligans from Arkham Asylum. And don’t be confused about their #1 ranking. Though I may have compared them to the consumate superhero – they have no special or superhuman powers. Badgley is already on the wrong side of 40, Brittney Massro can’t do a normal overhand throw, and Ritchie has lost as much athleticism as he has lost hair. So when you think of Batman for this team, think of the Adam West version of Batman.
2. Suicidal Angry Ninja Turtles (Robin)
Being good, but not being good enough means you get to be the sidekick. And being compared to a sexually ambiguous sidekick is not quite complimentary. However, in the comics Robin does eventually get to become the man, as short lived as that may be (because he realized how lame of a superhero he was and decided to kill himeself). Now there have been rumors that this team cheats, but that’s not true – it’s just Dave Fayette – and we’re not talking dodgeball here either.
3. Special Ballympians (Scarecrow)
For a brief moment, Scarecrow was actually pretty scary. But it didn’t take long for everyone to realize that he was just a pawn of great villians. Much of the same can be said about this team. Don’t be scared by their #3 ranking. It won’t be before long that we’ll forget about them as far as teams to fear. That’s what happened after the first movie.
4. Rolling in the Balls Deep (The Riddler)
A riddle these guys are indeed. A bunch of dodgeball misfits cast together, and honestly no one has any idea of how good or how bad they’ll be. David Tran just finished winning the Garden Grove league dodgeball championship (partially thanks to Chin Kim hyperextending his vagina), but does that mean he can translate the same over here with a different cast of misfits?
5. Los Doyers (Catwoman)
For Catwoman, it’s a woman’s world – and that’s exactly how this team operates. And don’t discount the fact that this team is stacked with hot (albeit hard to get) ladies. Problem is, like Catwoman, there just isn’t enough bark to get over the hump of being one of the weaker characters. Now if this was a bedroom pillow fight league, that would be a whole different story. Rowr!
6. Druken Hyenas (Two-Face)
On paper these guys look great. Athletic, a good mix of veteran and rookie talents, and ladies who know how to play the game. And yet, put them on a court and it’s a completely different story. And the worst thing is that nobody likes Two-Face – every team hates them – their attitude, cockiness, just everything. Is there any way this team could turn themselves into the likeable and loveable Harvey Dent? Flip a coin and find out.
7. Delta Bravo (The Penguin)
Of all the villians in the Batman Universe, the Penguin was most notorious for not being trustworthy. And as long as pro veterans Chin and Amanda are on this squad, I will never trust their sandbagging record. They may look harmless and weak for the time being, but when it’s time to get dirty, expect a nemesis that even Batman struggled to deal with.
8. Beach City Sports (The Joker)
Really? 0-9 the first week? This team could end up being the ultimate joke. We’ll re-visit this once everyone on the squad sits down and actually reads the rules to the game.